Darkness

I was on the phone with my Nana on Friday morning and she said, "if you haven't turned on the news, don't."  I of course, do not have the news on during the day (way too depressing and liberal for me, thank you very much), so I made the mistake of asking her what was happening.

I'm sure my reaction was much like yours - shock, tears, and wanting to hug my children.  I've been pretty mournful all weekend.  Every time I think of those poor kids....and their parents...and the presents already under the tree....

Then Saturday, my boys played paintball with a friend in honor of this friend's brother, who passed away from cancer this past spring.  That made me sad too, thinking of their household and Christmas...

This morning at church, our pastor got a little weepy when he called the kids up for the Advent portion of the service...which of course made me weepy....

But this afternoon, I took my oldest to see The Hobbit.  The previews in the beginning, of course, go on FOREVER.  All of them, it seemed, were related to the Earth being destroyed and there just being a few survivors.  But in the middle of one of these previews, there was a line I found very thought-provoking.  "Fear is not real.  Danger is real, but fear is a choice."  What a thought.  Fear IS a choice...and usually a bad one I make when I don't trust that God is in control.

Finally, the movie came on.  I liked it quite well.  There were some deeper thoughts in there as well.  Evil is just starting to run amok in Middle Earth, and Gandalf is asked why he chose Bilbo to come along.  Bilbo, by the way, adds nothing, it seems, to this group.  Gandalf says, "[he] believes that it is only great power that keeps evil in check. That is not what I've found. I found it is the small things, everyday deeds of ordinary folk, that keeps the darkness at bay.  Simple acts of kindness and love."

How encouraging that is to me.  As I talked with my son on the drive to the movie theater, we talked a little about the school shooting.  I tried to encourage him - even though you can't change the world, you can change a little of it.  In this awful, dark, sinful world, we can be a light.  And in a completely dark room, that one little candle is a mighty light. 

I want to be a light.  I want to drive back the darkness.  I want my kids to want to as well.  I need God to help us do that.

It's been awhile

It's been two months since I posted...I don't really know why, it just flew by!

I'm struggling.  My oldest is 14 and going to be in high school next year.  I've already started to stress.  And before you roll your eyes at me, yes, I know it's ridiculous.  I know for a fact that my son loves Jesus, and that is truly the most important thing in the whole wide world.

But that's not everything.

Why is it that the teeniest, tiniest little comment that could possibly, maybe be construed as a slam on my parenting can throw me for a loop?  How is it that if you come to me with a concern about your children or your parenting skills, that I can tell you what is truth - God loves you, God chose YOU to be the parent to these kids, if you're doing what you and your hubby agree on and you believe that is what God wants you to do, it'll be fine - but when it's MY life and MY insecurities, I believe the lies.  And I KNOW they're lies.  That's the worst part.  I know it's not truth, but the lies are what bounce and echo in my head.

I'd like to think it's because I'm teachable and I want to know how to change to be even better.  I know better.  It's because I still cannot, 19 years after accepting Christ as my savior, wrap my brain around the fact that not only does God love me (proved at the cross), but that He likes me.

What's in a Name?

Shakespeare famously said, "a rose by any other name would smell as sweet".  That's been up for debate for several hundred years, but I have been doing a lot of thinking about names in the past year.  I started looking up name meanings from the Bible, started asking people with interesting names about the meaning of their names, and looking up the meaning of family members' names.

I have never liked my name.  Erin.  Sounds terrible.  When it's pronounced incorrectly, it can sound like "urine".  That's real pleasant, eh?  My name can mean "Ireland" (of course), but also means "peace".  I'll give you a few minutes to finish chuckling.

Are you done?  No?  Okay, I'll wait.

All right, that's enough.  It's okay, my kids laughed too when they heard what my name means.  Let's just say that my personality is not so peaceful.  I'm loud, exuberant, and opinionated.  And it's peace in other languages as well....Erin is related to Irene....also means peace.  It's "eirene" in Greek.

My name has really been bothering me lately because I don't feel peaceful.  And Lord knows I don't often ACT peaceful.  I didn't know how to put into words what has been troubling me, but I just figured it out today.  I haven't been trusting that GOD is peace.  I haven't been trusting His provision for my hubby's job, our finances, our homeschool, my children, or even something so simple as my sleep.  It's not that I don't KNOW God is capable or that He loves me, it's that the rubber has to hit the road of reality so that I can SEE God's provision.  And the part that's really annoying?  I keep hitting this wall.  Every October.  I'm tired of it.  Why can't I get past this?  And why does even my NAME mock me?

I don't have a complete answer, of course.  I do know that God wants to refine my character.  I know that God wants me to choose to trust Him, and I do that through practice.  And I know that God is for me, not against me, and that if God is for me (and He is), then nothing can be against me and win....even if that "thing" is ME.

So my name is not necessarily mocking me, but reminding me that my peace can't possibly come from within.  It can only come through Christ.  I'm so glad there actually IS a way to peace.  I guess my name really is a good fit, because I need a daily reminder.

We had a visitor to our church from Nigeria and when he heard my name, he had a good chuckle.  When I asked why, he said it was because my name in his language (Yoruba) meant "laughter".  And not just a little chuckle, but a good laugh!  Now THAT translation of my name I really enjoy!

Tired

I'm tired.  Not just physically tired, but emotionally tired.  I haven't slept well in a few months.  Even worse in the last two weeks.  I feel like I'm behind in everything.  The last straw was last week's annual "gee, will hubby have a job this fiscal year"?

I'm tired of that happening every damn year.  It's been seven years since he left active duty and every year, some years every MONTH, we have wondered how long his job will last.

Every year (or whatever interval it happens to be), I work through the whole, "do I trust GOD or do I trust hubby's paycheck coming in"?  Every year.  You'd think I'd be good at it by now.  I'm not.  And neither is he.  It's no fun dealing with your own spiritual struggles, but helping your spouse with his at 3 am is even harder.

I'm tired of wondering "if".  I want security and stability.  I just want it my way.  I have security and stability.  "The Lord is my rock and my salvation."  "If God is for us, who can be against us?"

Accessible

Lately, I have been reading through some of the historical books of the Bible - Kings and Chronicles.  Something stuck out to me....how accessible God is.  "'May the Lord, who is good, pardon everyone who sets his heart on seeking God - the Lord, the God of his fathers - even if he is not clean according to the rules of the sanctuary.'  And the Lord heard Hezekiah and healed the people."

I have always kept this division in my head - God was not so great in the Old Testament, but got "better" in the New.  I know it's silly, because God is the same today, yesterday, and for eternity; but that's what is stuck in my head.

But as I was reading, I realized that God has, is, and will be available to anyone who asks.  Anyone.  If they are sincere, He's available.

I'm asking, God.  Change my heart to be more like yours.  Help me believe You more, not just believe IN You.  Forgive my unbelief in so many things.

Dreams

Last night I had the strangest dream....and no, don't start singing that song!  We were in some house (don't know where or to whom it belonged) on a hill.  It started to rain, and apparently it hadn't rained in awhile, so I (in my dream) made the comment, "is that all you got?  Bring it on!"

It proceeded to pour and blow and the house blew off the foundation and started to go down the hill.  That wasn't the worst part.  The kids were in the basement, getting drenched as we went flying in the house.  In my dream, I just started praising God and confessing how sinful I was.  It woke me up because it terrified me so.  I got up and fell on my face before God at 2 am, confessing His awesomeness.

Now I know this probably sounds weird to you, but this dream scared the bejeepers out of me.  I realized that I think I'm in control of SO much in my life. No, not the "big" stuff (elections, gas prices, etc.), but certainly my kids, grocery shopping, things like that.  This dream made the point that I control NOTHING.  And not only do I control NOTHING, I am so sinful I can't even stand up in front of God.

Sound scary?  It was - but it was also a huge blessing.  My dream life is controlled by the Holy Spirit.  Isn't that great???  I may wrestle with God during the day while I'm awake, but my God has got my subconscious.

Useful or useless?

It's starting to cool off here.  Not a lot, but enough that things have really slowed down in my garden.  Time to pull out plants that aren't producing anymore and start cool-weather crops.

I had several older packets of seeds that I just kept forgetting to plant, so I had tried planting those a week or so ago.  Most of those old seeds didn't even germinate.  I realized that when I have seeds in my life, even if they're good, if they're not planted promptly, they don't grow into anything at all.

As I pulled out the corn stalks that didn't produce any ears of corn, I was a bit frustrated.  But then I noticed that the roots had loosened the soil and that it was a rotation that helped the garden as a whole.  If you keep planting the same things in the same spots, you are much more likely to have pests and diseases.  It's not quite as big a deal in a small garden, but it makes me feel better.  So even though I didn't get corn, I helped the garden.  Maybe when things in my life don't go the way I had thought, I can remember that perhaps it was a "crop" that was important for my life as a whole.

Finally, as I yanked out the plants that just aren't producing as well as they did this summer, I reminded myself that sometimes there are good things in my life that have come to an end.  It doesn't mean that they didn't produce a great crop, but their time is over.

Near death experience

The title of my post probably sounds a little extreme, but it was definitely a near death experience for the creature I rescued today.

This morning, after I poured my coffee, I went to sit in my recliner as I always do.  I pulled the curtain open so I could enjoy the hummingbirds at the feeder, as I do every morning.  This morning, however, there was a poor little hummingbird, looking quite bedraggled, caught in a very large spiderweb in the window.  It was no longer struggling, and I thought for sure it was dead.

I pulled down the window, grabbed the bird, which squeaked ever so pitifully, and I had to smack the REALLY LARGE brown spider away, because it obviously realized I was taking its breakfast.  I ran outside and began pulling off the cobwebs carefully, but quickly, because I didn't know how long it had been since she had eaten.  I could feel her heart beating tremendously fast.  After cleaning off her wings and feet, I flipped her back over and held her toward the other feeder and she took off like a shot.  WHEW!!

But, as I'm sure you can figure out, that wasn't the end of the excitement.  I then needed to take care of what should have been done days ago.  Here's the problem.  Two days ago, I discovered not one, but TWO really large spiderwebs, one on each side of the hummingbird feeder.  Of course, there were two large spiders, but I didn't really believe there was any real danger to the hummers.  I detached the webs from the feeders and went on my merry way.

Obviously, I underestimated the damage possible.  I know I do that with sin in my life.  Something so seemingly small can trap and tangle, and I don't clean it out of my life as I should.

I spent all of two minutes clearing away the webs and smacking spiders.  That small investment of time two days ago would have prevented the near death of a hummingbird.

A small investment of my time memorizing scripture and staying close to God will prevent future trouble in my life as well.

Abundant, lavish, overflowing

Yesterday was youth group day for my oldest.  He loves his group!  So when the leader asked for volunteers to make snacks for a special event, he jumped on the opportunity.  He made three batches of chocolate chip cookies.  As I helped scoop them out, I thought, "this is a bit crazy", but there were supposed to be lots of kids, and he was excited.

He returned home with a LOT of cookies.  As I put them away (more for us!), I wondered why it is that my son is always a bit "overboard".  If I send him to the store to get a loaf of bread, he brings me two.  If I ask him to bring me a box of pasta from the pantry, he gets two.  If I ask him to bring two shirts with him, he brings four.  It's annoying.

However, today it occurred to me that this is another one of God's traits that is seeping out from my son.  John 10:10 quotes Jesus, "I have come that they may have life and they might have it more abundantly."  1 John 3:1 says, "how great is the love the Father has lavished on us".  And Psalm 23 speaks to how God fills our cup to overflowing.

God doesn't just give us enough to get by.  We are blessed with His continual presence, His eternal love, and His omniscient perspective.  Paul reminds us in Romans that God, "who did not spare His only son, but gave him up for us all - how will He not also, along with Him, graciously give us all things?"  Does this means we get everything we want?  No, but we definitely have everything we need - and then some.

I love when God oozes out of us.

Ask....and you shall receive

Still following up on those silly hummingbirds!!  I love watching them - they're gorgeous.  But have you ever noticed that they don't just fly right up to the feeder and eat while sitting?

We have two hummingbirds that come to our feeder.  One is incredibly skittish, flying about and looking carefully before feeding while in flight.  She never sits.

The other flies up, looks around briefly, then sits down and has a big drink.

I realized yesterday that perhaps we're like that with the throne of God.  We're afraid to even come close, then we only ask for just the bare necessities because we're afraid we'll make Him mad, or that He'll smite us for something we've previously done.

I think we should do as the scripture says and "come boldly before the throne".  We don't do this lightly, or without the realization that we are only allowed to come because of the marvelous grace of God and the gift of Jesus Christ, but, and I say this as a Christian who took a good 15 years to get to this point, God is not looking to smack us down at all times!!

God loves us.  And....wait for it...He even LIKES us.  He likes me.  He likes you!  He's not sitting on His throne saying, "Oh brother, back again, are you??  Why do you just keep asking me for things??"

This thought was confirmed to me today as I'm going through Beth Moore's study on the book of James.  Read James 1:5 and then read Matthew 7:7-8.  Those were my readings today, and I think they really verify what God illustrated to me through the hummingbirds.

I'm going to go sit with God and have a big drink.  I hope you do too.

Ungrateful

This is kind of a follow-up to the last post.  Yesterday, I refilled the hummingbird feeder.  I think the hummingbird was watching, because right after it came down, she was there.  Right after I put it back up, she zipped by my head and then took off again.  She didn't stop to drink, but buzzed me.

I thought, "what a brat!"  She's drinking the perfect nectar for her, she's done nothing to provide it, it's always refilled, and yet she makes sure to guard it and annoy the person that DOES continually refill this "fountain of life" for her.

Hmmm....can you see where this is going?  I am so blessed with everything I need and many things I want.  I start to assume these things are "mine" and I'm going to guard them.  If God takes them from me, I get mad, I shout, I pout....and then, oh, wait....FRESH blessings.  Yum!  And I start all over again.

I'm sure you can't relate at all, right???

Lots to Learn

Today I spent watering and weeding my garden - it was overdue.  Apparently my lessons were also overdue, because I felt there there were a LOT of applications today.

I had to tie my cucumbers onto the trellis netting, because they were getting into the tomatoes and they would try to take over the garden.  They also need the training up the trellis because I think the fruit is better when it's up off the ground and I can see it, so it doesn't get chewed on by slugs or stepped on by people.  As I tied, I realized sometimes I'm tied to, or being trained up, the trellis of God's instruction.  It's for my benefit as well as for others (those tomatoes will be happy the cukes are out of their way!).

I moved on to the tomatoes on the other side.  They're growing like crazy, with branches coming out all over the place and crowding out the smaller tomatoes.  As I hacked the extra branches back and restrained them back to their own cages, I saw that sometimes I am trimmed and pushed back to where I belong so that others can grow.

I started to clean out between the carrots - what a mess.  I left the water running all morning as I weeded and cleaned out old plants, and as I looked at how great the lettuce and carrots are doing (you should know those two things hardly ever grow for me!), I thought about my dad's admonishment about watering.  "It should be done every day," he said.  I have ignored that advice for years, because I thought, well, why can't they survive on the rain they get??  They do....but they're bitter and they're tough and we don't like to eat them.  I pondered the idea that maybe I COULD grow on only what I learn on my own (personal Bible reading), but that I don't really THRIVE unless I'm being watered by others....my pastor, my home group, my husband, my kids, my neighbors.

Lastly, an application that goes along with the picture.  I love feeding the hummingbirds, but have you ever noticed how they won't share?  There's a huge fountain of sweetness that will be overfilled without any work on their part and they fight to keep others away.   I'll let you ponder that one on your own.

In His Presence

Today I finally made it out to the garden today after having been gone for a few days last week and then having a busy weekend.  Usually, I go out every morning after exercise and my Bible reading (and some coffee, of course) and one of our cats, Mittens, comes with me.  I don't know why he does it, but he comes trotting out after me, meowing excitedly.

I open the gate and we both enter the garden.  I start weeding, trellising, clipping, watering...and my cat spends a few minutes traipsing between my legs, meowing and making cute noises.  Then he wanders away.  He's not far away, mind you, just a couple of feet, but he just lays down in the mulch and watches.  Every once in a while he'll meow at me and I'll talk back to him, but mostly he just lays there.  If I leave, he follows, but as long as I'm in the garden, he's fine.

As I watched him laying contentedly between the rows, I realized that's a good picture of how to be with God. Follow Him, talk to Him, and then rest because He's RIGHT there.  Hmmm.....

Teeny Blessings

As I poured my coffee this morning, I looked out, as I do every morning, over the backyard.  I look to see if there are any creatures (we've had foxes, rabbits, groundhogs, 'possums, and of course birds) roaming around.  This morning I noticed my garden gate had been left open.  After reading that list of animals, you can see why I went out immediately to see if there had been any damage.

I checked the lettuce first, because I figured that would be the tastiest to the bunnies I've seen, but nothing.  I did a quick look to be sure there weren't any creatures actually hiding in the garden, and then I went around, just "surveying the kingdom".  It needs to be done every day, anyway.

As I checked out the potatoes, I noticed several leaves had been chewed up.  I instantly thought, "oh no, potato bugs".  I've had them every year I've grown potatoes and I HATE them.  They're voracious eaters, it's really hard to pick off all of them, and it usually means that I just have to use pesticide.  I try really hard not to use pesticide, but these little buggers are so awful.  

When I lifted a leaf to check out the underside (because that's where those rotten things hang out), I didn't see any potato bugs....but I did find this little guy.  I cheered !!!  The picture's a bit fuzzy, since he's so teeny, but it's a praying mantis nymph.  They are wonderful predators.  We used to buy ootheca (mantis egg sacs) off Ebay, hatch them, and release them into the garden.  

I also have many garden spiders this year, which is also terrific.

A lot of you won't understand my teeny blessings post and will wonder why I'm so happy about "creepy-crawlies".  That's okay.  God blessed me by giving me bugs in my garden and I appreciate it.  

Have you counted any teeny blessings??

Shells

We recently returned from a week at Ft. Story.  Very relaxing - no internet, no cell, no news from this crazy place known as northern Virginia.  While we were there, I was really trying to be paying attention to the moment and to the blessings otherwise known as my kids.  They loved the beach.  We went every morning, several afternoons, and even a few evenings after dinner.  They never failed to enjoy finding crabs, searching for the perfect shell, and jumping in the waves.

While I was walking along the beach, keeping an eye out for just the right shell, I asked God what I should take away from this.  I seem to hear God in nature, as I have said before.  Here's what I "heard".

There are thousands, if not millions of shells out there.  None are perfect.  We like them anyway, don't we??  They're all different - colors, shapes, sizes - even the broken ones are interesting.  How did they get broken?  Why are the same kinds of shells broken in different ways?  Do I consider every PERSON as interesting as a shell?  Do I wonder how they got broken?  Do I find them beautiful anyway?  Or do I just want to "toss them back" instead of learning more about them?

This is a bit disjointed, but I'm feeling convicted in my relations with people.  I do have a tendency to be judgmental and assuming.  I want to see people as Jesus sees them.  Broken people with broken hearts who need to be loved and pointed to Christ.

Swallows and Sinfulness

My cat is great.  He hunts mice, moles, voles, and bunnies.  Because I have a garden, I encourage him.  However, sometimes he kills things I don't think he should....cardinals, robins, and most recently, two baby swallows.

As I thought on his actions today, I realized that even though he does things I don't think he should, I take the good with the bad.  God does that with me.  And I'm ever so grateful.

Every Good Gift

We had thunderstorms today...they were beautiful.  Not during, but before and after.  My kids marveled at the gorgeous green trees against the deep blue sky on one side and the grey-blue clouds in cool shapes on the other.  Great opportunity to remind them that God shows beauty in many places.

While working on History/Science, we started talking about Sir Isaac Newton.  He said, "Gravity explains the motions of the planets, but it cannot explain who set the planets in motion.  God governs all things and knows all that is or can be done."


I love how God points us to Himself if we just look!

Am I Thankful?

I have recently finished (re)reading One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp.  I love it (as evidenced by the "re").  She talks about "eucharist", our communion with God.  Eucharist comes from "charis", or grace, and the root of "charis" is thanks.

Obviously, I'm thinking about how thankful I am - and if I would be when bad things happen.  It certainly won't happen because I'm all spiritual.  It will be purely because of the grace of God and the guidance of the Holy Spirit.

I don't know if this happens to anyone else, but God always reinforces what he's trying to teach me.  I'll read it in different places, or listen to a sermon, or hear a song that ties into what He wants me learn.

My Bible reading this morning was in Malachi - which it shouldn't have been.  My plan did not have me there, but that's where I was.  I love it when God moves like that!  The very first verses tie right into the theme of thankfulness.

"I have loved you," says the LORD.
"But you ask, 'How have you loved us?'"

There's more of course, but I got stuck right there.  How often do I doubt God's love for me?  It should be so obvious - He sent Christ to die for me, so OF COURSE He loves me.  But if you need more (and don't we always want more?!?), it occurred to me that "every day things" are God's blessings.  Do I thank him for my senses?  My limbs?  My ability to think?  The gift of healthy children?  These are not things I "deserve" or things I should expect, and yet....I do.  I ask "why" when bad things happen, but never ask "why" about good things.  Why don't I?  Because I still think I should get good things just because I'm alive.  Yes, God blesses us, but we should be humble.  I should be humble.

"Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of heavenly lights."  -James 1:17

Gardening with God

I've had a garden for about 10 years.  I've not always been successful, but I keep trying.  Part of what keeps me in the garden is the time.  Time alone, time with just one or two children, but mostly time with God.

God speaks to me in the garden and through nature.  Well, He speaks to me EVERYWHERE, but I am very cognizant of His voice as I dig in the dirt.  Perhaps it's because I'm usually focused on what I'm doing, otherwise I could really mess things up!

Of course, I am always convicted while I'm weeding.  That seems a pretty simple application.  Pull (repent of) the sin in your life (weeds) before they get too big and they're easier to completely destroy.  But there's more....pulling weeds is so much easier when your garden is well-watered.  It might be messier, but the weeds come right out.

That parallels my life.  When I have sin, it's so much easier to get rid of it - from the ROOTS - if I'm watered in God's truths.

God Speaks

I have many personality traits that I don't like.  (you, dear Reader, are NOT allowed to nod in assent!!)  I was thinking about one of them the other day and trying to re-frame it through God's view.


I have a tendency to assume that I am always right.  It doesn't help that I often am, but I get annoyed when people question my thoughts, words, actions, whatever, and don't just realize that I'm right!  I hate it when I tell someone how to do something and they ignore me for their way....which then doesn't work....and then they ASK ME FOR HELP!!!


I realized that this is a character trait of God....but He doesn't assume He's right.  He IS right.  I don't need to try it my way first, and then turn back to His way.  I just need to do it His way.  However, my personality trait is skewed by being part of this sinful world.  God does not hate it when I do it my way before deciding He's right and then ask for His help.  He loves that I have turned back to Him.  


I'm going to try to reconsider others' personality "quirks" in light of the idea that maybe, JUST maybe, they're damaged glimpses of God.