Be anxious for nothing...

Today I was reading an email from John Rosemond, a child-development expert.  At least, I think that's how he describes himself.  I could be wrong.  He's written several books I really like:  To Spank or Not to Spank, Because I Said So, and some others I can't remember right now.  He gives the kind of advice that our parents would appreciate.  Things like, don't make a big deal our of things that aren't a big deal (parents nowadays make EVERYTHING a big deal), and don't try to have a discussion with a four-year-old when it comes to obedience - she needs to do it "because I said so."  Ever so simple.

Anyway, his email today was talking about a kid that was doing something weird (but not THAT weird), and the parents freaked and the problem got worse (go figure).  I always see it as a control thing.  The kid figures out that you're upset, they like the control, so they keep doing it.  Watch your kid change his behavior when you stop making a big deal about it.

He said a really profound thing when writing about how the problem got worse when the parents had anxiety and it got better when they simply said, "when you act like this, 'the doctor' says it's because you don't get enough sleep, so you must go to bed immediately after dinner".  "The doctor" is completely fictional, but it lends authority to the parents' words.

The next day, the odd behavior stopped.  Rosemond said, "when children develop problems, they need parents who are authoritative, not anxious. Anxiety and authority are incompatible."

Profound, no?  When I allow God's authority in my life, anxiety is incompatible with it.  When I allow anxiety to rule my life, God's authority is not there.

Just something to ponder.

A Neat Garden

Today was (hopefully) the last hot day of the year.  I spent some time this morning cleaning up the garden - pulling weeds, yanking out tomato plants, and taking down supports.  I get so frustrated with my garden during the growing season - it's always a mess!  As I dug into the dirt, it occurred to me that my garden is only "neat" between the end of one season and the beginning of the next....when there's nothing growing.  When my garden is disheveled and disorderly, my garden is producing the most fruit (or veggies or herbs).

I started thinking that maybe I work too hard to keep my life neat and looking good, but that when I do, maybe I'm not producing any fruit.  Maybe the "messiest" times in my life - when I can't see where I'm supposed to be going, when I wonder what God is doing my life, when things aren't going my way - are the times that I'm growing and maturing fruit.

How much is TOO much??

I'm so sick of everyone being so impressed with "all I do".  I'm tired of being told I "do too much".  Everyone assumes that I don't rest and that I need a break.  What if "too much" is exactly what I'm supposed to be doing?  What if I'm not too tired because what I do and what I'm good at are aligning and I LIKE it?

In His Presence

As you all know, my animals follow me out to the garden when I go out there.  My dog is NOT allowed into the garden gate, however, as she does not know to stay out of the beds and the plants.  Abi (the dog) is my shadow.  It is so very annoying - she follows me (seriously) everywhere.

So, as I putter in the garden, my dog waits outside the fence.  She waits patiently, never going anywhere she can't see me.  It's very important to her that she be able to see me.

I was thinking again (still?!) how annoying she is when I realized that maybe she's just acting the way I should be acting.  Shouldn't I be always in sight of God?  Just to BE in His presence?  I don't talk to Abi every moment, but I do check in every once in a while to be sure she hasn't wandered.  Maybe God doesn't speak every moment (although He probably does and I'm not listening), but speaks to give me guidance as to where to be - right near Him.

Holding On

The days get better, the hurt is less sharp, but it's never really gone.  The anger comes over me when I least expect it and I want to lash out, retaliate.  I want to hide under the covers and never come out.  When someone says, "how are you?" I want ask, "how do you THINK I am?"  People say it'll be okay.  Well, it's not and it's not going to be for quite awhile.

How do I get through?  I don't know.  I'm doing a lot of things out of sheer obedience.  I know I can't go hide, I know that walking away from church isn't the right thing, and I know that God is holding on to me...

...so I'm holding on to Him.

"As for God, His way is perfect.  The word of the Lord is flawless.  He is a shield for those who take refuge in Him.  For who is God besides the Lord?  And who is the Rock except our God?"   -Psalm 18:30-31

Baby birds

It's finally warm enough to really get the garden going.  I went out this morning to do a little weeding, deal with the potatoes, transplant the tomato plants, and do some watering.  The pets like to come with me - the cats sniff around to see if any rodents have intruded, and the dog wanders the yard, looking for rabbit droppings (yes, it's gross, but that's what she's doing).

Today, the cats got really interested in something at the same time.  I wasn't paying much attention, but as they crept towards each other from opposite sides of the garden, I saw what they were watching.  A young robin was fluttering on the ground.  I'm not sure if it could fly or not, as it was right up against the fence.  I walked over to pick it up and get it out of the garden, because my cats are killers!

As I picked up the robin, it started to squawk...and then the parents started.  They squawked, they swooped, they were MIGHTY upset.  I gently tossed the bird out of the garden and it fluttered under a tree. The parents didn't give up immediately - they let me know what they thought of me picking up their baby.

As I chuckled at them and told them I was SAVING their baby from certain destruction, it occurred to me that I act like those robin parents.  My kids go through trials and troubles - sometimes due to their own choices, other times because of what others have done - and I squawk and I rant and I rail against God for allowing such a thing to happen.

Maybe, just maybe, God is rescuing my children from certain destruction, and the "trials" and "troubles" that my kids go through are just part of the rescuing process.  A process that can seem hard and mean and devastating, but that is infinitely better than what they were headed for - certain destruction.

"'For I know the plans I have for you,' says the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.'"   Jeremiah 29:11

"For the thief comes only to steal, kill, and destroy..."    John 10:10

Light and Dark

This past weekend was awful. I've never had a worse weekend. I will not share details, but suffice it to say, I had a hard time seeing any light. We are not out of the "valley of the shadow of crap", as a dear friend called it, but I can see God's grace. Huge amounts. Enormous.

Here are some thoughts... I really can do nothing without Christ. I could not have spoken, could not have stood, could not have even breathed without Christ.

I have no right to pass judgement on anyone, anything, anytime. Ever.

Prayer is not the least that I could do - it is the most amazing thing to be done for anyone. It has been the most amazing thing to be borne up by the prayers of those who love me and my family.

My God is bigger than my problems and should be treated as such.

I am not an addict.  I had always feared that when really bad things would happen, I'd turn to food or alcohol for comfort.  I have not.  Praise God.  Addiction runs in my family, so I'm so thrilled.

My homeschool scheduling/curriculum needs to be portable and assumable by anyone who is watches my kids.

Ordinary

I am so very ordinary.  As are my kids, my marriage, my family, my life.  And that's all right.  I hear about certain people in the news and I briefly wonder if my life is special or important, or even necessary.  I read the Bible and wonder the same thing.  Peter, Paul, John, Moses, JESUS.  And here I am, little ol' me.

I get discouraged sometimes.  Am I living as I should?  Should I aspire to more?  Should I push the kids harder?  Should I expect more from our marriage?

And then I take a breath and I remember that there have been millions of people from the beginning of time, and we only know the names of a relative few.  But the reality is, the lives of the unknown are just as precious to God as the named.  Christ died for the rabble, not just the famous.  The Holy Spirit dwells in those who trust in Jesus as their Lord and Savior, whether they're rich or poor.

Yes, I am ordinary.  But I am loved by the Creator of heaven and earth.  I think that makes me special.

Perfect?

I don't know how to do this without sounding prideful.  It's not meant to be, so if you start getting ticked off at me, please don't.

I'm a military wife that homeschools her four fairly well-behaved kids.  I make as much food as I can from scratch, because I think it's the best for us.  I garden, because I think it's important that my kids not only know where their food comes from, but how to grow it should the need arise.  I can and freeze produce from my garden every summer.  I grind my own wheat and bake my own bread.  I type really fast (it was 72 wpm in high school), I talk really fast, and I learn really fast.  I'm really smart.  I can read a book in a day (and that's when I'm going slowly).  I can play piano and flute.  I teach Sunday School with my hubby, and we host home group.  I'm not afraid to speak in front of large groups.  I try to work out three times a week.  I've painted several rooms in the house (including the really tall walls in the living room).  I've made curtains for the kitchen and play room.  I move heavy furniture when I'm bored.  I make a heck of an apple pie.  I use coupons and sometimes I walk out of the grocery store with the store paying ME to take groceries.  And this isn't even everything I was doing in the last place we lived (where I helped run a women's Bible study group, was on staff at church, and counseled several women).

I don't try to do all this.  I really don't.  I just do it because it needs to be done and I'm right here to do it.  I'm a big proponent of "bloom where you're planted".  But the trouble with these wonderful talents that God has blessed me with is this - people think I'm perfect...and worse than that, I expect myself to be perfect.

I'm not.

What you don't see is what happens on the inside.  All this "talent" can make me feel like I'm "wasting" it by being a wife and stay-at-home mom.  I don't say "no" to a lot of things because, as a friend once said, I CAN do it and I love the challenge of getting it done.  You don't hear the mean things I say to myself because I've yet again said something stupid, or not done something perfectly.  There's a song by Francesca Battastelli with a line, "perfection is my enemy".  It is.  I can beat myself up incessantly over the tiniest little thing that no one else would ever notice. My brain never shuts off.

So when I hear someone (several people, actually) say, "when I look at you, I see the perfect wife, the perfect mom, the perfect 'whatever'", I just want to be sucked in by the ground, never to be seen again.  I don't want to be the person that people don't like because "she can do everything,  why would she need me?"

I am the way I am because God made me this way.  I guess He knew that I was going to be a lonely little girl that needed to be able to make friends easily.... a military wife with a hubby who's gone a bit.... a homeschooling mom to four kids... someone who needs to be able to get it all done....but it's not me.  It's God.

It's God, it's God, it's God.  He is the only reason I can do any of this.

More than Enough

This is a note I wrote on Facebook back in 2009.  I was looking for it, because I was kind of feeling the rotten feelings pop up again and I needed to re-read this truth.  

I knew it with the certainty of a child. Not that one is no longer certain of things as an adult, but that certainty is less…well, certain.

I knew it was my fault my dad left, and this new man, who also wanted to be called “dad”, came into our lives…and it was also my fault that the new man and my mother fought constantly.

I have always – or at least as long as I can remember – been stubborn and smart – and everyone told me I was. I wonder if I felt a certain amount of power. Anyway…I remember nothing of Karl (my biological dad) from my childhood. Small wonder. As a Navy dad, he wasn’t around a lot.

I do remember, however, him coming to see us after the divorce. Or rather, I don’t remember him, but how I cried and begged him not to leave me again. I think we were living in South Carolina at the time. After that, my mom asked him not to return – it caused too much turmoil in our lives.

But, just the same, I was certain it was all my fault. Why he never visited, why my mom & new dad fought – it always seemed to be about me. The fighting actually was. I remember being woken up from a sound sleep to “participate” in the fight about something (again) that I had done.

I finally came to believe that it was not only my personality – no – it was my very PERSON that offended him (my step-dad) – even the way I looked. I am, and always have been, the spitting image of my bio father. I started to think that it didn't matter what I did – one look at me would set him off.

I was too smart, too stubborn, too bossy, too quick, too stupid, too careless, too irresponsible, too…. MUCH. 

And that’s how I defined myself – for a very long time.

I finally realized my need for something else to define my life in my senior year in high school. So much was expected of me. I would be at least in the top ten – but how disappointing to know I would not – could not – be valedictorian (really – next to Maciek? No one could!). I needed to be well-rounded for college applications – yet my activities’ schedules interfered with our “so-called’ family times – usually everyone cleaning a different area of the house.

I was an A-student, a drum major, ran track, had a job, in the school musical, on Steering Committee for Model Assembly, took ballet, played flute (band, All-State, and flute quartet), babysat, chorus. I was drinking Maalox and my joints were swollen for no reason. The one person from whom I needed to hear “good job” could no more have said it than I could have grown wings.

I hated myself and knew everyone else did too. So, I considered suicide. Wrote it in my journal how I would do it. My ex-boyfriend, Jody, saved my life. He turned me into my guidance counselor. I remember her saying a few months before this, “you look like you’re all together, but it’s being held by a band-aid, isn’t it?”

Long story short…I learned who my friends were. Jody, Marc, Prune, Bunny, Deed. Those were my real friends. 

I was required to attend counseling with the whole family. Stupid, pointless…I walked out. And the whole family followed – was I that powerful at 16?

My parents acquiesced and said I didn’t have to attend college right away – what a relief! Since I was 10, all I had heard was, “you’re going to college and you’ll have to pay for it yourself”. I had such potential, you see.

I tried for a few years to find someone who would love me for ME. That didn’t work so well, but God redeemed a few of those relationships. Out of the worst of those, I came to know Christ as my Savior – as someone who just loved me.

I believed with all my heart that Christ was the only way I was going to get to heaven. I knew how I was – I wasn’t that stupid! But I also knew I had a lot of work to do while I was still here.

Fifteen years later, we moved to West Virginia. No, not in a million years would I have chosen to live here, but yet, here we were.

Through this church, I have come to realize I am not TOO everything. I am Christ’s workmanship created to do good works that he has prepared in advance for me to do. However, these good works are NOT required in order for God to love me.

I want other Christians to see what they’re missing. They don’t have to spend their Christian walk performing for God, doubting Him. He actually loves me – really. He actually WANTS to spend time with me. He doesn’t just tolerate me. He wants to be kind – IS kind to me. He sings over me. He woos me. He loves me beyond all measure. 

I can believe Him – he has chosen, blessed, forgiven, adopted and redeemed me. 

I am, once again, certain – with a child-like certainty of who I am. I am Erin, whom Christ loves.

What I REALLY Want

I have an eating problem.  No, I'm not a hundred pounds overweight, so you can't tell, but I roam the house looking for food some most days.

For instance, this evening.  What I REALLY wanted was a bowl of Frosted Flakes cereal.  (We had a very late lunch, so we didn't do dinner.)  We don't have any Frosted Flakes.  So I had a piece of pineapple, a glass of water, a few jalapeno kettle chips, a glass of water, some cheddar & sour cream chips, another drink of water, and finally a slice of marzipan stollen.

None of those "did it" for me.  But I am full, even though I'm not satisfied.

Read that last sentence again - I'll wait.

How many times does that describe my body...my mind...my very soul.  I hunt around for "stuff" to fill me, but what I REALLY want, I don't get, usually because of my own personal choice to take something lesser.

I REALLY want to follow Christ ever so closely.  I REALLY want to know God intimately, trust Him, rest in Him.  I REALLY want to believe that God not only loves me and gave His son for me, but that He likes me.

What do I take instead?  Facebook postings to see who I can rile up or get a positive response from.  I escape in TV or a book.  I get my worth through my cooking, my "wife-ness", or my children.  All of those are idols, and all are filling, but not satisfying.

Parenting is HARD

One of the most encouraging verses in the Bible about parenting is in Judges.  I hear you scoff, "Judges?"  Yes, Judges.

Manoah and his wife have been childless.  The angel of the Lord appears to the wife and tells her she's going to conceive and have a son.  Then he instructs her as to what she must do - drink no wine or fermented drink and eat nothing unclean.

The angel of the Lord comes back later and this time Manoah gets to talk to him too.  Manoah asked him, "When your words are fulfilled, what is to be the rule for the boy's life and work?"  That's me, wondering what the rules are to be for my kids....what will their future look like?

The angel of the Lord answered, "Your wife must do all that I have told her."  He repeats the previous instructions and says again, "She must do everything I have commanded her."

I LOVE that.  Did you figure it out?  We're not supposed to worry about our kids and their future.  We know what we're supposed to do (read the Bible, attend church, pray, be generous, love one another, etc., etc.), and God is going to take care of our kids' future.  It's not our job to know what they'll do for a job.  It's our job to train them in the way they should go....to bring them up in the fear of the Lord....to teach them to love the Lord our God with all their heart, with all their soul, with all their mind, and with all their strength....to teach them while we walk along the road, while we sit at home....to discipline and disciple them.  And frankly, that's more than enough for us to do!

I had very wise Sunday school teachers when my kids were very little.  They told me, "no guilt, no glory."  When you've done the best you can, following God as well as you can, you take no guilt on yourselves as to how your children turn out.....nor do you get the glory.  Samuel (Old Testament) was raised by Eli.  So were Eli's sons.  Eli's sons turned out bad and were struck down by God.  Samuel turned out very well.  Same parenting.  So what's the difference?  God.  God.  God.

He makes all the difference.

Birds at the Feeder

We've started feeding the birds.  I had found four little feeders that stick to the window at Dollar General last summer on clearance for $1.  Finally got them up right after the first of the year.  What fun!

We have seen goldfinches (and talked about winter and summer plumage), house finches, sparrows of all types, cardinals, blue jays, chickadees, tufted titmice, a downy woodpecker, and a silly red-bellied woodpecker that tried to sit on our little feeder on the window.  (He eventually gave up and went to the BIG feeder)

I sat and watched them the other day - right after hubby & I had taught a Sunday School class on how God takes care of us like He takes care of the birds.  The birds were so beautiful.  Even the "plain" ones, like the juncos.  And I thought about how God made each person beautiful - even if they're "plain".  None of the birds were wishing they were as pretty as a cardinal, or as big as the blue jay.  They just enjoyed the food (that they didn't have to go far to find), and brought praise to God as they went about their day.

My days seem ordinary and plain, but I can bring glory to God just by living.  The question then is, "do I?"

Put your past in your behind

Scars remind us where we've been, but they don't have to dictate where we're going. -Rossi, Criminal Minds

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters, compared to what lies within us.  -Emerson

Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. -Philippians 3:13-14

I'm pretty good at encouraging my kids to forgive themselves and move on...or forgive their friends and then move on.  I'm much better at doing that myself than I used to be.

Why are we, especially women, so brutal to ourselves?  Why do we think that even though GOD has forgiven us through Christ's sacrifice, we must have a "higher standard" and not forgive ourselves.  And if we happen to be pretty good at giving ourselves a break, how often do we give other people grace?  Not often enough, if we're honest with ourselves.

I want to be better.  I want to show grace.  Perhaps as I get better at accepting grace, I will be better at showing it.

Resolutions.....goals....whatever....

I always make resolutions, but in the past few years they have turned into goals. And they're not just "lose the baby weight", because really....that just makes me feel fat. I have started examining my motivation behind these goals. Why do I want to exercise? Is it to look better...or feel better? And can I do without being mean to myself?

So here are this year's goals. Feel free to randomly ask how I'm doing with them!

Spiritually - I am going to use Professor Horner's method of reading through the bible. (This site requires a free registration to download the bookmarks.  I have a "spam" email I use.)  I also plan to learn a Fighter Verse every week.  We've been doing that fairly regularly with the kids, so it's just a continuation.  I personally want to memorize John 1 and Romans 8.  I have most of it down, but I want them REALLY in my heart!!  And last, but not least, I commit to praying with and for each of my children every week.  I have been haphazard at best, and that is unacceptable.

Physically - I will get back on the workout train.  Three days a week on the treadmill (while I watch some show on Netflix) and two days a week either with Wii Fit Yoga or a Winsor Pilates DVD.  I will also increase my water intake to eight glasses a day and commit to eating a small breakfast that has protein as well as more veggies with lunch, and taking my vitamins.

Misc - I want to do little projects around the house.  The first two on my list are carpet cleaning and painting baseboards/trim.  If I can get those done in the first six months of the year, I think I'll be doing well!

I also want to do scrapbooking every week - my poor girls have terrible albums compared to their brothers! And music - mustn't forget music.  It makes me happy, so I want to play flute or piano every week.

All these goals are with the remembrance that God loves me as I am.  I cannot earn His love.  I cannot get higher on his "nice" list if I do all these things.  I also cannot go lower on that list if I don't do these things.  He loves me.  I know because He proved it on the cross at Calvary all those years ago!

Happy New Year!