Darkness

I was on the phone with my Nana on Friday morning and she said, "if you haven't turned on the news, don't."  I of course, do not have the news on during the day (way too depressing and liberal for me, thank you very much), so I made the mistake of asking her what was happening.

I'm sure my reaction was much like yours - shock, tears, and wanting to hug my children.  I've been pretty mournful all weekend.  Every time I think of those poor kids....and their parents...and the presents already under the tree....

Then Saturday, my boys played paintball with a friend in honor of this friend's brother, who passed away from cancer this past spring.  That made me sad too, thinking of their household and Christmas...

This morning at church, our pastor got a little weepy when he called the kids up for the Advent portion of the service...which of course made me weepy....

But this afternoon, I took my oldest to see The Hobbit.  The previews in the beginning, of course, go on FOREVER.  All of them, it seemed, were related to the Earth being destroyed and there just being a few survivors.  But in the middle of one of these previews, there was a line I found very thought-provoking.  "Fear is not real.  Danger is real, but fear is a choice."  What a thought.  Fear IS a choice...and usually a bad one I make when I don't trust that God is in control.

Finally, the movie came on.  I liked it quite well.  There were some deeper thoughts in there as well.  Evil is just starting to run amok in Middle Earth, and Gandalf is asked why he chose Bilbo to come along.  Bilbo, by the way, adds nothing, it seems, to this group.  Gandalf says, "[he] believes that it is only great power that keeps evil in check. That is not what I've found. I found it is the small things, everyday deeds of ordinary folk, that keeps the darkness at bay.  Simple acts of kindness and love."

How encouraging that is to me.  As I talked with my son on the drive to the movie theater, we talked a little about the school shooting.  I tried to encourage him - even though you can't change the world, you can change a little of it.  In this awful, dark, sinful world, we can be a light.  And in a completely dark room, that one little candle is a mighty light. 

I want to be a light.  I want to drive back the darkness.  I want my kids to want to as well.  I need God to help us do that.

It's been awhile

It's been two months since I posted...I don't really know why, it just flew by!

I'm struggling.  My oldest is 14 and going to be in high school next year.  I've already started to stress.  And before you roll your eyes at me, yes, I know it's ridiculous.  I know for a fact that my son loves Jesus, and that is truly the most important thing in the whole wide world.

But that's not everything.

Why is it that the teeniest, tiniest little comment that could possibly, maybe be construed as a slam on my parenting can throw me for a loop?  How is it that if you come to me with a concern about your children or your parenting skills, that I can tell you what is truth - God loves you, God chose YOU to be the parent to these kids, if you're doing what you and your hubby agree on and you believe that is what God wants you to do, it'll be fine - but when it's MY life and MY insecurities, I believe the lies.  And I KNOW they're lies.  That's the worst part.  I know it's not truth, but the lies are what bounce and echo in my head.

I'd like to think it's because I'm teachable and I want to know how to change to be even better.  I know better.  It's because I still cannot, 19 years after accepting Christ as my savior, wrap my brain around the fact that not only does God love me (proved at the cross), but that He likes me.