Tired

I'm tired.  Not just physically tired, but emotionally tired.  I haven't slept well in a few months.  Even worse in the last two weeks.  I feel like I'm behind in everything.  The last straw was last week's annual "gee, will hubby have a job this fiscal year"?

I'm tired of that happening every damn year.  It's been seven years since he left active duty and every year, some years every MONTH, we have wondered how long his job will last.

Every year (or whatever interval it happens to be), I work through the whole, "do I trust GOD or do I trust hubby's paycheck coming in"?  Every year.  You'd think I'd be good at it by now.  I'm not.  And neither is he.  It's no fun dealing with your own spiritual struggles, but helping your spouse with his at 3 am is even harder.

I'm tired of wondering "if".  I want security and stability.  I just want it my way.  I have security and stability.  "The Lord is my rock and my salvation."  "If God is for us, who can be against us?"

Accessible

Lately, I have been reading through some of the historical books of the Bible - Kings and Chronicles.  Something stuck out to me....how accessible God is.  "'May the Lord, who is good, pardon everyone who sets his heart on seeking God - the Lord, the God of his fathers - even if he is not clean according to the rules of the sanctuary.'  And the Lord heard Hezekiah and healed the people."

I have always kept this division in my head - God was not so great in the Old Testament, but got "better" in the New.  I know it's silly, because God is the same today, yesterday, and for eternity; but that's what is stuck in my head.

But as I was reading, I realized that God has, is, and will be available to anyone who asks.  Anyone.  If they are sincere, He's available.

I'm asking, God.  Change my heart to be more like yours.  Help me believe You more, not just believe IN You.  Forgive my unbelief in so many things.

Dreams

Last night I had the strangest dream....and no, don't start singing that song!  We were in some house (don't know where or to whom it belonged) on a hill.  It started to rain, and apparently it hadn't rained in awhile, so I (in my dream) made the comment, "is that all you got?  Bring it on!"

It proceeded to pour and blow and the house blew off the foundation and started to go down the hill.  That wasn't the worst part.  The kids were in the basement, getting drenched as we went flying in the house.  In my dream, I just started praising God and confessing how sinful I was.  It woke me up because it terrified me so.  I got up and fell on my face before God at 2 am, confessing His awesomeness.

Now I know this probably sounds weird to you, but this dream scared the bejeepers out of me.  I realized that I think I'm in control of SO much in my life. No, not the "big" stuff (elections, gas prices, etc.), but certainly my kids, grocery shopping, things like that.  This dream made the point that I control NOTHING.  And not only do I control NOTHING, I am so sinful I can't even stand up in front of God.

Sound scary?  It was - but it was also a huge blessing.  My dream life is controlled by the Holy Spirit.  Isn't that great???  I may wrestle with God during the day while I'm awake, but my God has got my subconscious.

Useful or useless?

It's starting to cool off here.  Not a lot, but enough that things have really slowed down in my garden.  Time to pull out plants that aren't producing anymore and start cool-weather crops.

I had several older packets of seeds that I just kept forgetting to plant, so I had tried planting those a week or so ago.  Most of those old seeds didn't even germinate.  I realized that when I have seeds in my life, even if they're good, if they're not planted promptly, they don't grow into anything at all.

As I pulled out the corn stalks that didn't produce any ears of corn, I was a bit frustrated.  But then I noticed that the roots had loosened the soil and that it was a rotation that helped the garden as a whole.  If you keep planting the same things in the same spots, you are much more likely to have pests and diseases.  It's not quite as big a deal in a small garden, but it makes me feel better.  So even though I didn't get corn, I helped the garden.  Maybe when things in my life don't go the way I had thought, I can remember that perhaps it was a "crop" that was important for my life as a whole.

Finally, as I yanked out the plants that just aren't producing as well as they did this summer, I reminded myself that sometimes there are good things in my life that have come to an end.  It doesn't mean that they didn't produce a great crop, but their time is over.