What I REALLY Want

I have an eating problem.  No, I'm not a hundred pounds overweight, so you can't tell, but I roam the house looking for food some most days.

For instance, this evening.  What I REALLY wanted was a bowl of Frosted Flakes cereal.  (We had a very late lunch, so we didn't do dinner.)  We don't have any Frosted Flakes.  So I had a piece of pineapple, a glass of water, a few jalapeno kettle chips, a glass of water, some cheddar & sour cream chips, another drink of water, and finally a slice of marzipan stollen.

None of those "did it" for me.  But I am full, even though I'm not satisfied.

Read that last sentence again - I'll wait.

How many times does that describe my body...my mind...my very soul.  I hunt around for "stuff" to fill me, but what I REALLY want, I don't get, usually because of my own personal choice to take something lesser.

I REALLY want to follow Christ ever so closely.  I REALLY want to know God intimately, trust Him, rest in Him.  I REALLY want to believe that God not only loves me and gave His son for me, but that He likes me.

What do I take instead?  Facebook postings to see who I can rile up or get a positive response from.  I escape in TV or a book.  I get my worth through my cooking, my "wife-ness", or my children.  All of those are idols, and all are filling, but not satisfying.

Parenting is HARD

One of the most encouraging verses in the Bible about parenting is in Judges.  I hear you scoff, "Judges?"  Yes, Judges.

Manoah and his wife have been childless.  The angel of the Lord appears to the wife and tells her she's going to conceive and have a son.  Then he instructs her as to what she must do - drink no wine or fermented drink and eat nothing unclean.

The angel of the Lord comes back later and this time Manoah gets to talk to him too.  Manoah asked him, "When your words are fulfilled, what is to be the rule for the boy's life and work?"  That's me, wondering what the rules are to be for my kids....what will their future look like?

The angel of the Lord answered, "Your wife must do all that I have told her."  He repeats the previous instructions and says again, "She must do everything I have commanded her."

I LOVE that.  Did you figure it out?  We're not supposed to worry about our kids and their future.  We know what we're supposed to do (read the Bible, attend church, pray, be generous, love one another, etc., etc.), and God is going to take care of our kids' future.  It's not our job to know what they'll do for a job.  It's our job to train them in the way they should go....to bring them up in the fear of the Lord....to teach them to love the Lord our God with all their heart, with all their soul, with all their mind, and with all their strength....to teach them while we walk along the road, while we sit at home....to discipline and disciple them.  And frankly, that's more than enough for us to do!

I had very wise Sunday school teachers when my kids were very little.  They told me, "no guilt, no glory."  When you've done the best you can, following God as well as you can, you take no guilt on yourselves as to how your children turn out.....nor do you get the glory.  Samuel (Old Testament) was raised by Eli.  So were Eli's sons.  Eli's sons turned out bad and were struck down by God.  Samuel turned out very well.  Same parenting.  So what's the difference?  God.  God.  God.

He makes all the difference.

Birds at the Feeder

We've started feeding the birds.  I had found four little feeders that stick to the window at Dollar General last summer on clearance for $1.  Finally got them up right after the first of the year.  What fun!

We have seen goldfinches (and talked about winter and summer plumage), house finches, sparrows of all types, cardinals, blue jays, chickadees, tufted titmice, a downy woodpecker, and a silly red-bellied woodpecker that tried to sit on our little feeder on the window.  (He eventually gave up and went to the BIG feeder)

I sat and watched them the other day - right after hubby & I had taught a Sunday School class on how God takes care of us like He takes care of the birds.  The birds were so beautiful.  Even the "plain" ones, like the juncos.  And I thought about how God made each person beautiful - even if they're "plain".  None of the birds were wishing they were as pretty as a cardinal, or as big as the blue jay.  They just enjoyed the food (that they didn't have to go far to find), and brought praise to God as they went about their day.

My days seem ordinary and plain, but I can bring glory to God just by living.  The question then is, "do I?"

Put your past in your behind

Scars remind us where we've been, but they don't have to dictate where we're going. -Rossi, Criminal Minds

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters, compared to what lies within us.  -Emerson

Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. -Philippians 3:13-14

I'm pretty good at encouraging my kids to forgive themselves and move on...or forgive their friends and then move on.  I'm much better at doing that myself than I used to be.

Why are we, especially women, so brutal to ourselves?  Why do we think that even though GOD has forgiven us through Christ's sacrifice, we must have a "higher standard" and not forgive ourselves.  And if we happen to be pretty good at giving ourselves a break, how often do we give other people grace?  Not often enough, if we're honest with ourselves.

I want to be better.  I want to show grace.  Perhaps as I get better at accepting grace, I will be better at showing it.

Resolutions.....goals....whatever....

I always make resolutions, but in the past few years they have turned into goals. And they're not just "lose the baby weight", because really....that just makes me feel fat. I have started examining my motivation behind these goals. Why do I want to exercise? Is it to look better...or feel better? And can I do without being mean to myself?

So here are this year's goals. Feel free to randomly ask how I'm doing with them!

Spiritually - I am going to use Professor Horner's method of reading through the bible. (This site requires a free registration to download the bookmarks.  I have a "spam" email I use.)  I also plan to learn a Fighter Verse every week.  We've been doing that fairly regularly with the kids, so it's just a continuation.  I personally want to memorize John 1 and Romans 8.  I have most of it down, but I want them REALLY in my heart!!  And last, but not least, I commit to praying with and for each of my children every week.  I have been haphazard at best, and that is unacceptable.

Physically - I will get back on the workout train.  Three days a week on the treadmill (while I watch some show on Netflix) and two days a week either with Wii Fit Yoga or a Winsor Pilates DVD.  I will also increase my water intake to eight glasses a day and commit to eating a small breakfast that has protein as well as more veggies with lunch, and taking my vitamins.

Misc - I want to do little projects around the house.  The first two on my list are carpet cleaning and painting baseboards/trim.  If I can get those done in the first six months of the year, I think I'll be doing well!

I also want to do scrapbooking every week - my poor girls have terrible albums compared to their brothers! And music - mustn't forget music.  It makes me happy, so I want to play flute or piano every week.

All these goals are with the remembrance that God loves me as I am.  I cannot earn His love.  I cannot get higher on his "nice" list if I do all these things.  I also cannot go lower on that list if I don't do these things.  He loves me.  I know because He proved it on the cross at Calvary all those years ago!

Happy New Year!

Darkness

I was on the phone with my Nana on Friday morning and she said, "if you haven't turned on the news, don't."  I of course, do not have the news on during the day (way too depressing and liberal for me, thank you very much), so I made the mistake of asking her what was happening.

I'm sure my reaction was much like yours - shock, tears, and wanting to hug my children.  I've been pretty mournful all weekend.  Every time I think of those poor kids....and their parents...and the presents already under the tree....

Then Saturday, my boys played paintball with a friend in honor of this friend's brother, who passed away from cancer this past spring.  That made me sad too, thinking of their household and Christmas...

This morning at church, our pastor got a little weepy when he called the kids up for the Advent portion of the service...which of course made me weepy....

But this afternoon, I took my oldest to see The Hobbit.  The previews in the beginning, of course, go on FOREVER.  All of them, it seemed, were related to the Earth being destroyed and there just being a few survivors.  But in the middle of one of these previews, there was a line I found very thought-provoking.  "Fear is not real.  Danger is real, but fear is a choice."  What a thought.  Fear IS a choice...and usually a bad one I make when I don't trust that God is in control.

Finally, the movie came on.  I liked it quite well.  There were some deeper thoughts in there as well.  Evil is just starting to run amok in Middle Earth, and Gandalf is asked why he chose Bilbo to come along.  Bilbo, by the way, adds nothing, it seems, to this group.  Gandalf says, "[he] believes that it is only great power that keeps evil in check. That is not what I've found. I found it is the small things, everyday deeds of ordinary folk, that keeps the darkness at bay.  Simple acts of kindness and love."

How encouraging that is to me.  As I talked with my son on the drive to the movie theater, we talked a little about the school shooting.  I tried to encourage him - even though you can't change the world, you can change a little of it.  In this awful, dark, sinful world, we can be a light.  And in a completely dark room, that one little candle is a mighty light. 

I want to be a light.  I want to drive back the darkness.  I want my kids to want to as well.  I need God to help us do that.

It's been awhile

It's been two months since I posted...I don't really know why, it just flew by!

I'm struggling.  My oldest is 14 and going to be in high school next year.  I've already started to stress.  And before you roll your eyes at me, yes, I know it's ridiculous.  I know for a fact that my son loves Jesus, and that is truly the most important thing in the whole wide world.

But that's not everything.

Why is it that the teeniest, tiniest little comment that could possibly, maybe be construed as a slam on my parenting can throw me for a loop?  How is it that if you come to me with a concern about your children or your parenting skills, that I can tell you what is truth - God loves you, God chose YOU to be the parent to these kids, if you're doing what you and your hubby agree on and you believe that is what God wants you to do, it'll be fine - but when it's MY life and MY insecurities, I believe the lies.  And I KNOW they're lies.  That's the worst part.  I know it's not truth, but the lies are what bounce and echo in my head.

I'd like to think it's because I'm teachable and I want to know how to change to be even better.  I know better.  It's because I still cannot, 19 years after accepting Christ as my savior, wrap my brain around the fact that not only does God love me (proved at the cross), but that He likes me.