Darkness

I was on the phone with my Nana on Friday morning and she said, "if you haven't turned on the news, don't."  I of course, do not have the news on during the day (way too depressing and liberal for me, thank you very much), so I made the mistake of asking her what was happening.

I'm sure my reaction was much like yours - shock, tears, and wanting to hug my children.  I've been pretty mournful all weekend.  Every time I think of those poor kids....and their parents...and the presents already under the tree....

Then Saturday, my boys played paintball with a friend in honor of this friend's brother, who passed away from cancer this past spring.  That made me sad too, thinking of their household and Christmas...

This morning at church, our pastor got a little weepy when he called the kids up for the Advent portion of the service...which of course made me weepy....

But this afternoon, I took my oldest to see The Hobbit.  The previews in the beginning, of course, go on FOREVER.  All of them, it seemed, were related to the Earth being destroyed and there just being a few survivors.  But in the middle of one of these previews, there was a line I found very thought-provoking.  "Fear is not real.  Danger is real, but fear is a choice."  What a thought.  Fear IS a choice...and usually a bad one I make when I don't trust that God is in control.

Finally, the movie came on.  I liked it quite well.  There were some deeper thoughts in there as well.  Evil is just starting to run amok in Middle Earth, and Gandalf is asked why he chose Bilbo to come along.  Bilbo, by the way, adds nothing, it seems, to this group.  Gandalf says, "[he] believes that it is only great power that keeps evil in check. That is not what I've found. I found it is the small things, everyday deeds of ordinary folk, that keeps the darkness at bay.  Simple acts of kindness and love."

How encouraging that is to me.  As I talked with my son on the drive to the movie theater, we talked a little about the school shooting.  I tried to encourage him - even though you can't change the world, you can change a little of it.  In this awful, dark, sinful world, we can be a light.  And in a completely dark room, that one little candle is a mighty light. 

I want to be a light.  I want to drive back the darkness.  I want my kids to want to as well.  I need God to help us do that.

It's been awhile

It's been two months since I posted...I don't really know why, it just flew by!

I'm struggling.  My oldest is 14 and going to be in high school next year.  I've already started to stress.  And before you roll your eyes at me, yes, I know it's ridiculous.  I know for a fact that my son loves Jesus, and that is truly the most important thing in the whole wide world.

But that's not everything.

Why is it that the teeniest, tiniest little comment that could possibly, maybe be construed as a slam on my parenting can throw me for a loop?  How is it that if you come to me with a concern about your children or your parenting skills, that I can tell you what is truth - God loves you, God chose YOU to be the parent to these kids, if you're doing what you and your hubby agree on and you believe that is what God wants you to do, it'll be fine - but when it's MY life and MY insecurities, I believe the lies.  And I KNOW they're lies.  That's the worst part.  I know it's not truth, but the lies are what bounce and echo in my head.

I'd like to think it's because I'm teachable and I want to know how to change to be even better.  I know better.  It's because I still cannot, 19 years after accepting Christ as my savior, wrap my brain around the fact that not only does God love me (proved at the cross), but that He likes me.

What's in a Name?

Shakespeare famously said, "a rose by any other name would smell as sweet".  That's been up for debate for several hundred years, but I have been doing a lot of thinking about names in the past year.  I started looking up name meanings from the Bible, started asking people with interesting names about the meaning of their names, and looking up the meaning of family members' names.

I have never liked my name.  Erin.  Sounds terrible.  When it's pronounced incorrectly, it can sound like "urine".  That's real pleasant, eh?  My name can mean "Ireland" (of course), but also means "peace".  I'll give you a few minutes to finish chuckling.

Are you done?  No?  Okay, I'll wait.

All right, that's enough.  It's okay, my kids laughed too when they heard what my name means.  Let's just say that my personality is not so peaceful.  I'm loud, exuberant, and opinionated.  And it's peace in other languages as well....Erin is related to Irene....also means peace.  It's "eirene" in Greek.

My name has really been bothering me lately because I don't feel peaceful.  And Lord knows I don't often ACT peaceful.  I didn't know how to put into words what has been troubling me, but I just figured it out today.  I haven't been trusting that GOD is peace.  I haven't been trusting His provision for my hubby's job, our finances, our homeschool, my children, or even something so simple as my sleep.  It's not that I don't KNOW God is capable or that He loves me, it's that the rubber has to hit the road of reality so that I can SEE God's provision.  And the part that's really annoying?  I keep hitting this wall.  Every October.  I'm tired of it.  Why can't I get past this?  And why does even my NAME mock me?

I don't have a complete answer, of course.  I do know that God wants to refine my character.  I know that God wants me to choose to trust Him, and I do that through practice.  And I know that God is for me, not against me, and that if God is for me (and He is), then nothing can be against me and win....even if that "thing" is ME.

So my name is not necessarily mocking me, but reminding me that my peace can't possibly come from within.  It can only come through Christ.  I'm so glad there actually IS a way to peace.  I guess my name really is a good fit, because I need a daily reminder.

We had a visitor to our church from Nigeria and when he heard my name, he had a good chuckle.  When I asked why, he said it was because my name in his language (Yoruba) meant "laughter".  And not just a little chuckle, but a good laugh!  Now THAT translation of my name I really enjoy!

Tired

I'm tired.  Not just physically tired, but emotionally tired.  I haven't slept well in a few months.  Even worse in the last two weeks.  I feel like I'm behind in everything.  The last straw was last week's annual "gee, will hubby have a job this fiscal year"?

I'm tired of that happening every damn year.  It's been seven years since he left active duty and every year, some years every MONTH, we have wondered how long his job will last.

Every year (or whatever interval it happens to be), I work through the whole, "do I trust GOD or do I trust hubby's paycheck coming in"?  Every year.  You'd think I'd be good at it by now.  I'm not.  And neither is he.  It's no fun dealing with your own spiritual struggles, but helping your spouse with his at 3 am is even harder.

I'm tired of wondering "if".  I want security and stability.  I just want it my way.  I have security and stability.  "The Lord is my rock and my salvation."  "If God is for us, who can be against us?"

Accessible

Lately, I have been reading through some of the historical books of the Bible - Kings and Chronicles.  Something stuck out to me....how accessible God is.  "'May the Lord, who is good, pardon everyone who sets his heart on seeking God - the Lord, the God of his fathers - even if he is not clean according to the rules of the sanctuary.'  And the Lord heard Hezekiah and healed the people."

I have always kept this division in my head - God was not so great in the Old Testament, but got "better" in the New.  I know it's silly, because God is the same today, yesterday, and for eternity; but that's what is stuck in my head.

But as I was reading, I realized that God has, is, and will be available to anyone who asks.  Anyone.  If they are sincere, He's available.

I'm asking, God.  Change my heart to be more like yours.  Help me believe You more, not just believe IN You.  Forgive my unbelief in so many things.

Dreams

Last night I had the strangest dream....and no, don't start singing that song!  We were in some house (don't know where or to whom it belonged) on a hill.  It started to rain, and apparently it hadn't rained in awhile, so I (in my dream) made the comment, "is that all you got?  Bring it on!"

It proceeded to pour and blow and the house blew off the foundation and started to go down the hill.  That wasn't the worst part.  The kids were in the basement, getting drenched as we went flying in the house.  In my dream, I just started praising God and confessing how sinful I was.  It woke me up because it terrified me so.  I got up and fell on my face before God at 2 am, confessing His awesomeness.

Now I know this probably sounds weird to you, but this dream scared the bejeepers out of me.  I realized that I think I'm in control of SO much in my life. No, not the "big" stuff (elections, gas prices, etc.), but certainly my kids, grocery shopping, things like that.  This dream made the point that I control NOTHING.  And not only do I control NOTHING, I am so sinful I can't even stand up in front of God.

Sound scary?  It was - but it was also a huge blessing.  My dream life is controlled by the Holy Spirit.  Isn't that great???  I may wrestle with God during the day while I'm awake, but my God has got my subconscious.

Useful or useless?

It's starting to cool off here.  Not a lot, but enough that things have really slowed down in my garden.  Time to pull out plants that aren't producing anymore and start cool-weather crops.

I had several older packets of seeds that I just kept forgetting to plant, so I had tried planting those a week or so ago.  Most of those old seeds didn't even germinate.  I realized that when I have seeds in my life, even if they're good, if they're not planted promptly, they don't grow into anything at all.

As I pulled out the corn stalks that didn't produce any ears of corn, I was a bit frustrated.  But then I noticed that the roots had loosened the soil and that it was a rotation that helped the garden as a whole.  If you keep planting the same things in the same spots, you are much more likely to have pests and diseases.  It's not quite as big a deal in a small garden, but it makes me feel better.  So even though I didn't get corn, I helped the garden.  Maybe when things in my life don't go the way I had thought, I can remember that perhaps it was a "crop" that was important for my life as a whole.

Finally, as I yanked out the plants that just aren't producing as well as they did this summer, I reminded myself that sometimes there are good things in my life that have come to an end.  It doesn't mean that they didn't produce a great crop, but their time is over.