Tired

I'm tired.  Not just physically tired, but emotionally tired.  I haven't slept well in a few months.  Even worse in the last two weeks.  I feel like I'm behind in everything.  The last straw was last week's annual "gee, will hubby have a job this fiscal year"?

I'm tired of that happening every damn year.  It's been seven years since he left active duty and every year, some years every MONTH, we have wondered how long his job will last.

Every year (or whatever interval it happens to be), I work through the whole, "do I trust GOD or do I trust hubby's paycheck coming in"?  Every year.  You'd think I'd be good at it by now.  I'm not.  And neither is he.  It's no fun dealing with your own spiritual struggles, but helping your spouse with his at 3 am is even harder.

I'm tired of wondering "if".  I want security and stability.  I just want it my way.  I have security and stability.  "The Lord is my rock and my salvation."  "If God is for us, who can be against us?"

Accessible

Lately, I have been reading through some of the historical books of the Bible - Kings and Chronicles.  Something stuck out to me....how accessible God is.  "'May the Lord, who is good, pardon everyone who sets his heart on seeking God - the Lord, the God of his fathers - even if he is not clean according to the rules of the sanctuary.'  And the Lord heard Hezekiah and healed the people."

I have always kept this division in my head - God was not so great in the Old Testament, but got "better" in the New.  I know it's silly, because God is the same today, yesterday, and for eternity; but that's what is stuck in my head.

But as I was reading, I realized that God has, is, and will be available to anyone who asks.  Anyone.  If they are sincere, He's available.

I'm asking, God.  Change my heart to be more like yours.  Help me believe You more, not just believe IN You.  Forgive my unbelief in so many things.

Dreams

Last night I had the strangest dream....and no, don't start singing that song!  We were in some house (don't know where or to whom it belonged) on a hill.  It started to rain, and apparently it hadn't rained in awhile, so I (in my dream) made the comment, "is that all you got?  Bring it on!"

It proceeded to pour and blow and the house blew off the foundation and started to go down the hill.  That wasn't the worst part.  The kids were in the basement, getting drenched as we went flying in the house.  In my dream, I just started praising God and confessing how sinful I was.  It woke me up because it terrified me so.  I got up and fell on my face before God at 2 am, confessing His awesomeness.

Now I know this probably sounds weird to you, but this dream scared the bejeepers out of me.  I realized that I think I'm in control of SO much in my life. No, not the "big" stuff (elections, gas prices, etc.), but certainly my kids, grocery shopping, things like that.  This dream made the point that I control NOTHING.  And not only do I control NOTHING, I am so sinful I can't even stand up in front of God.

Sound scary?  It was - but it was also a huge blessing.  My dream life is controlled by the Holy Spirit.  Isn't that great???  I may wrestle with God during the day while I'm awake, but my God has got my subconscious.

Useful or useless?

It's starting to cool off here.  Not a lot, but enough that things have really slowed down in my garden.  Time to pull out plants that aren't producing anymore and start cool-weather crops.

I had several older packets of seeds that I just kept forgetting to plant, so I had tried planting those a week or so ago.  Most of those old seeds didn't even germinate.  I realized that when I have seeds in my life, even if they're good, if they're not planted promptly, they don't grow into anything at all.

As I pulled out the corn stalks that didn't produce any ears of corn, I was a bit frustrated.  But then I noticed that the roots had loosened the soil and that it was a rotation that helped the garden as a whole.  If you keep planting the same things in the same spots, you are much more likely to have pests and diseases.  It's not quite as big a deal in a small garden, but it makes me feel better.  So even though I didn't get corn, I helped the garden.  Maybe when things in my life don't go the way I had thought, I can remember that perhaps it was a "crop" that was important for my life as a whole.

Finally, as I yanked out the plants that just aren't producing as well as they did this summer, I reminded myself that sometimes there are good things in my life that have come to an end.  It doesn't mean that they didn't produce a great crop, but their time is over.

Near death experience

The title of my post probably sounds a little extreme, but it was definitely a near death experience for the creature I rescued today.

This morning, after I poured my coffee, I went to sit in my recliner as I always do.  I pulled the curtain open so I could enjoy the hummingbirds at the feeder, as I do every morning.  This morning, however, there was a poor little hummingbird, looking quite bedraggled, caught in a very large spiderweb in the window.  It was no longer struggling, and I thought for sure it was dead.

I pulled down the window, grabbed the bird, which squeaked ever so pitifully, and I had to smack the REALLY LARGE brown spider away, because it obviously realized I was taking its breakfast.  I ran outside and began pulling off the cobwebs carefully, but quickly, because I didn't know how long it had been since she had eaten.  I could feel her heart beating tremendously fast.  After cleaning off her wings and feet, I flipped her back over and held her toward the other feeder and she took off like a shot.  WHEW!!

But, as I'm sure you can figure out, that wasn't the end of the excitement.  I then needed to take care of what should have been done days ago.  Here's the problem.  Two days ago, I discovered not one, but TWO really large spiderwebs, one on each side of the hummingbird feeder.  Of course, there were two large spiders, but I didn't really believe there was any real danger to the hummers.  I detached the webs from the feeders and went on my merry way.

Obviously, I underestimated the damage possible.  I know I do that with sin in my life.  Something so seemingly small can trap and tangle, and I don't clean it out of my life as I should.

I spent all of two minutes clearing away the webs and smacking spiders.  That small investment of time two days ago would have prevented the near death of a hummingbird.

A small investment of my time memorizing scripture and staying close to God will prevent future trouble in my life as well.

Abundant, lavish, overflowing

Yesterday was youth group day for my oldest.  He loves his group!  So when the leader asked for volunteers to make snacks for a special event, he jumped on the opportunity.  He made three batches of chocolate chip cookies.  As I helped scoop them out, I thought, "this is a bit crazy", but there were supposed to be lots of kids, and he was excited.

He returned home with a LOT of cookies.  As I put them away (more for us!), I wondered why it is that my son is always a bit "overboard".  If I send him to the store to get a loaf of bread, he brings me two.  If I ask him to bring me a box of pasta from the pantry, he gets two.  If I ask him to bring two shirts with him, he brings four.  It's annoying.

However, today it occurred to me that this is another one of God's traits that is seeping out from my son.  John 10:10 quotes Jesus, "I have come that they may have life and they might have it more abundantly."  1 John 3:1 says, "how great is the love the Father has lavished on us".  And Psalm 23 speaks to how God fills our cup to overflowing.

God doesn't just give us enough to get by.  We are blessed with His continual presence, His eternal love, and His omniscient perspective.  Paul reminds us in Romans that God, "who did not spare His only son, but gave him up for us all - how will He not also, along with Him, graciously give us all things?"  Does this means we get everything we want?  No, but we definitely have everything we need - and then some.

I love when God oozes out of us.

Ask....and you shall receive

Still following up on those silly hummingbirds!!  I love watching them - they're gorgeous.  But have you ever noticed that they don't just fly right up to the feeder and eat while sitting?

We have two hummingbirds that come to our feeder.  One is incredibly skittish, flying about and looking carefully before feeding while in flight.  She never sits.

The other flies up, looks around briefly, then sits down and has a big drink.

I realized yesterday that perhaps we're like that with the throne of God.  We're afraid to even come close, then we only ask for just the bare necessities because we're afraid we'll make Him mad, or that He'll smite us for something we've previously done.

I think we should do as the scripture says and "come boldly before the throne".  We don't do this lightly, or without the realization that we are only allowed to come because of the marvelous grace of God and the gift of Jesus Christ, but, and I say this as a Christian who took a good 15 years to get to this point, God is not looking to smack us down at all times!!

God loves us.  And....wait for it...He even LIKES us.  He likes me.  He likes you!  He's not sitting on His throne saying, "Oh brother, back again, are you??  Why do you just keep asking me for things??"

This thought was confirmed to me today as I'm going through Beth Moore's study on the book of James.  Read James 1:5 and then read Matthew 7:7-8.  Those were my readings today, and I think they really verify what God illustrated to me through the hummingbirds.

I'm going to go sit with God and have a big drink.  I hope you do too.