Some days

Some days, you know??  <sigh>

I stay home with my four kids, and we homeschool.  It's the best choice for us and it's what God has called me to do, but some days....

Everyone thinks I'm so patient and loving, and I can be, but some days....

The assumption is my children do everything right and they're going to be Rhodes scholars when they grow up because homeschooling turns children into geniuses (unless you hate homeschooling, in which case you assume my children are blithering idiots!).  My kids do lots of things right - and lots of things wrong.  They are human, after all.  And geniuses?  I'm just happy they're on grade level.  One kid couldn't read well until he was eleven, one couldn't do math to save her life.  One stresses so badly during tests that even if I JUST heard him give the right method and answer to a problem, he cannot do it on a TEST.  One cries if the test lasts longer than ten minutes and she doesn't know one answer.  I am so tired of hearing about brilliant children, when mine are just regular kids.  I wouldn't trade them for the world, but I wish I didn't feel so bombarded with comparisons.  Some days....

I have no answers for those days.  I have nothing left to give on those days.  I give, I give, I give, and then I give some more.  And that's just the kids!  I still have a husband!  I have had to come to the very hard realization that, as a dear friend once told me, I am not Jesus.  I cannot do everything - I can't do ANYTHING without Him.  I cannot parent my children.  I cannot keep my home.  I cannot be a loving help-meet to my husband.  I cannot even breathe without Him.  I know this, because I have gone through some very dark days when I know it was only God's amazing grace keeping me upright.  I know it.  I KNOW IT.  But some days.....

I forget.  I forget that I am not called to be perfect, but perfecting.  I am not called to do all things, but all things through Christ.  I am called to love, to nurture, to care for the "least of these."

Some days....

I can do that.

Even still....

I have been a Christian for more than half my life.  Wow.  That's a crazy thing....anyway....I accepted Christ as my savior when I was 19.  You do the math, because I'm not doing it for you!  I have read the Bible, bits and pieces, of course, and then all the way through at least four or five times.  Even still, God speaks to me through His word.  I find that amazing!!

"For the word of God is living and active.  Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart." - Hebrews 4:12

I came across a verse that I SWEAR I've never read before (even though of course, it's been in there the entire time!).  Exodus 23:2:  Do not follow the crowd in doing wrong.

Hmmm.....seems to me that covers a MULTITUDE of choices that we make every day.  This world is definitely doing wrong at all times of the day.  Refusing to acknowledge Christ, disregarding the sanctity of marriage (this covers so many things, doesn't it?!), blatantly murdering children in the womb...those are just some of the bigger things.  But doesn't that cover the "small" things, too?  Lying on our taxes, speeding, refusing to acknowledge Christ in our daily lives - by not even spending a moment in our Bibles, or praying, or even bowing our will to His.

This is so not a lecture to you.....it's for me.  If you get something out of it, great, but this is totally for me...

Jesus is the Same in the Old and New Testaments

My husband and I teach K-5th Sunday School once a month at our church.  You might think that's a pretty simple class to teach, but let me tell you, those kids ask and answer some really deep questions.

One week, as we were discussing the Old and New Testaments, a child asked why Jesus isn't mentioned in the Old Testament.  Before I could even answer, and even YOUNGER child responded that He was.  He couldn't explain how, but how impressive that he knew about Jesus in the OT!  I tried to explain a little bit, but had a little trouble expressing what I wanted to say to these kids.

It's been several months now, and our Children's Ministry coordinator just introduced us to a great book, the Believe Storybook.  I LOVE it and it helps tie together Old and New...it helps us to remember that God's love for us is eternal, from Genesis to Revelation...it will help us to see the cohesive story God has revealed through His Holy Spirit to us in His Word.  I highly encourage you to find a copy.  It has helped me just in the few days we've had it to pull together the old and the new.

I am reading through Professor Grant Horner's Bible reading plan.  Each day, you read a chapter in the Gospels, one in the Pentateuch, one in the History books, one in the Wisdom books, one Proverb, one Psalm, one chapter of a Prophet, one chapter of Acts, and one in each of two Epistles.  Seems a little random, but as you read and read and read, you see more and more of God and you are able to interpret Scripture in terms of the rest of Scripture.

ANYWAY, this is my example from the other day:

I was reading Exodus 16, where the Israelites grumble because they haven't any food.  Of course, God provides for them - exactly what they need, even on the Sabbath, when they weren't supposed to pick up the manna.  Can we think of a time when Jesus provided for someone's needs?  There's the feeding of the five thousand and the feeding of the four thousand.  How about when He met someone's needs even on the Sabbath?  How about the guy who was healed on the Sabbath?

Want to try another one?  I love it!  Isn't it great to see that God really is the same yesterday, today, and forever??

2 Chronicles 11 speaks of the splitting of the kingdom and how Levites left "pasturelands and property" to serve the LORD in the proper way.  First of all, would I be willing to do that?  But, back to the issue at hand, in Matthew 19:29, Jesus says, "And everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or children or fields for my sake will receive a hundred times as much and will inherit eternal life."  Isn't that amazing?

Exodus 17 - the Israelites fought against the Amaleks, and as long as Moses' hands were raised, they were winning, but if not....Aaron and Hur helped him and were united in purpose.  Jesus prays in John 17 that believers would be united and one as He and the Father are one.

I am excited to see more clearly the link between the Old and New Testaments, and it's really due to the Believe Storybook.  Such a blessing!  I hope you can see the link as well!

Japanese beetles and the Supreme Court decision

I haven't posted in a while.  Not because anything has been wrong, but just because life has been a little busy and I'm having trouble seeing God working through things around me.  Of course, He is, I'm just not doing well seeing it.

When the Supreme Court decided that same-sex "marriage" must be the law of the land, I was not surprised.  I was not impressed, of course, but you'd have to be a fool to have been surprised at the ruling.

This year, the Japanese beetles in my garden have been atrocious.  We have a policy of paying $0.05 per "bad" bug that the children kill in the garden.  Tomato hornworms are $0.25, though, because of the size.  Anyway...over the course of a week, my second son made $100!!!  We finally had to drop the price because, as my dad said, you could have bought a LOT of green beans (which is what they were eating) with that money.

One day, I went out to look...and kill...I had my cup of soapy water, and I just tapped them from above, and they'd drop into the cup and drown.  As I stared at the piles of beetles (some grouped by eights and tens!), I thought, "they're so consumed with sex, they fail to see the impending doom coming upon them."

Seems apropos for this time in our country, doesn't it?  People are so concerned about having sex with whomever and whatever and how many of them, they're missing the real point - the end will come.  Everyone's knees will bow.  We will all confess that Christ is Lord.

Of course, that could flip to apply to Christians too....we're so worried about the sex sin that we fail to preach the Gospel to everyone - including ourselves.

Far away and then up close

Don't you love looking at the landscaping around other people's houses?  I love seeing the different plants, colors, heights, how it changes over the course of a year.  It inevitably brings me to comparing my landscaping to theirs...look at all my weeds....

My neighbors have been working on their landscaping.  It was overgrown and ugly before they moved in.  They've pulled up all the ivy that was taking over the front of their house, yanked out the awful orange and brown....lilies?  Whatever they were, they were UGLY!  They've since put in orderly plants in contrasting colors.  It's beautiful.  I've noticed it over the past few weeks while I was walking.  I started getting a little jealous.  I stopped appreciating my own yard.  I began to want to tear up my perfectly lovely irises...to trim the hedges....to plant something different.

Today I had to go up to the front door of my neighbors to drop something off.  Hmm.  Look.  There are weeds here.  The mulch isn't evenly spread.  Those bushes need to be trimmed too.  I couldn't see that from the road.  It was only when I got up close that I could see that their yard wasn't perfect.

Isn't that the way it is with our lives?  We look at the outside of people's lives and we think they're so perfect.  We KNOW the inside of our lives and can easily see how much we are lacking.

God's Not Dead!

My oldest got the movie, God's Not Dead, for his birthday and we finally got around to watching it last week.

If you haven't seen it, let me recap it a bit.  There's a pastor who keeps trying to get to Disney with a missionary friend from Africa, but things keep getting in the way, a Muslim-turned-Christian woman, as well as a couple of other characters, but the main characters are a philosophy professor and his student.

A lot of things happen in the movie, but at the end, one of the characters is dying and in that moment, I realized what this character as well as every other person on their deathbed realizes.

Your relationship with Christ is the only thing that matters.

Nothing else matters.

Not your family, your friends, your job, your bank account, your meals, your achievements, your education.  Nothing.  

I stress over so much.  And I KNOW that worry adds nothing to my life, yet I still do it.  I worry about what others think, how my kids will do in life, my hubby's job, our financial situation, but at the end, when I'm dying, the ONLY thing that will matter will be where I stand with Christ.

New Life

We are homeschoolers, so we do things a little differently around here.

Last year, when I tried to harvest some dill to make cucumbers, I discovered my plants were destroyed...by little baby swallowtail butterfly caterpillars!  I brought them inside and went to the store to buy organic dill for them to eat.  Yes.  Organic dill.  <sigh>

This year, I have been able to use my dill, but we started talking about the dearth of monarchs in our area.  Wanting to rectify the situation, we ordered monarch eggs.  Not a few.  No...that would have been normal.  I ordered 20.  At least 25 were on the plant we received!

We have all been participating in the care and feeding of the little guys.  They were SOOO teeny when they first hatched!  Now, two weeks later, they're enormous!  I cannot believe how fast they have grown in such a short time.  We are looking forward to all the chrysalises and the new butterflies!

As I sat watching (and listening!) to the little buggers crunching away, I thought of this past year.  It has not been pleasant.  We have faced real challenges - individually and as a family.  We have struggled with our gifting, our calling, our friends, our church, and our trust in the Lord.  Now, God has been faithful, without a doubt.  It's WE who have questioned and cried and prayed and groaned.  But God - He has been where He promised He would be.  With us.

My eyes fell to the instructions on raising monarchs.  I love instructions.  Love 'em.  I love guides and planners and notepads and pens and lists.  I don't always follow them, but I love them!  It should take around two weeks for the caterpillars to turn into chrysalises, then another two weeks to hatch into butterflies.

I love how caterpillars change COMPLETELY during their metamorphosis.  Apparently everything about them, organs included, change into something totally different during this time.

And I thought of the verses in Corinthians:  "behold, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation.  The old is gone, the new has come!"  I cried as I realized that these butterflies should be hatching right about the time that our "drama" should be coming to a close.  What a beautiful picture of the transformative work that Christ is doing in each of us.  Leaving nothing old that we understand, that we have had, that we could depend on apart from Him, but changing us into what He has created us to be.


A few days went by and while I was still thrilled with this idea, the "new-ness" had worn off.  Until I arrived at church on Sunday and was asked to read Scripture.  Bet you can guess what verses I had to read.

Yup.  Second Corinthians 5:17-21:  "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation.  The old has passed away, the new has come.  And all this is from God, who through Christ reconciled us to himself, and gave us the ministry of reconciliation; that is, in Christ, God was reconciling the world to Himself, not counting their trespasses against them, and entrusting to us the message of reconciliation.  Therefore, we are ambassadors for Christ, God making His appeal through us.  We implore you on behalf of Christ, be reconciled to God.  For our sake He made Him to be sin who knew no sin, so that we might be the righteousness of God."

As you may imagine, I barely held it together during the reading.  Wow.  Is our God great, or what?  How He ever puts up with me, I'll never know.

But I'm oh, so grateful.

Destruction

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy....  John 10:10

The house sparrows returned two weeks ago.  They went into the tree swallows' nest box, pulled out the babies, and dropped them on the ground.

The kids were crushed...and angry.  The sparrows didn't even build a nest in that box.  All that, JUST to destroy.

We finally killed the sparrows, but it took us two weeks.  We have swallows again...in the other house where the bluebirds were before sparrows killed their babies.  The bluebirds are in the front house now, also trying again.

I took this as a teaching opportunity to remind my children...and myself...that the enemy comes to steal and kill and destroy.  He tempts us into wrong acts...and then throws those actions back in our face.  When we, when I, choose to listen to those temptations, I am joining in the stealing, killing, and destroying.  I think I am being offered something in return for my sin, but satan offers me nothing.  He wants to destroy me.

Sounds terribly depressing, doesn't it?

Well, guess what??  My God has a plan for my life that does not involve destruction.  My God loves me and guides me in the way that's best.  Even if I have fallen into the temptations offered, my God restores me, loves me, forgives me!!  Nothing can separate me from the love of God!!

Bluebirds

We had a pair of bluebirds in one of our backyard bird houses....and then we didn't.

About two weeks ago, I saw a house sparrow going into the bluebirds' house and I decided to investigate.

I discovered broken bluebird eggs (with dead baby birds still in them) around the bottom of the birdhouse.  I was sad, but was also quite concerned that the female had been killed in the house sparrow attack.  We did take care of the sparrow, by the way.

A week or so ago, I saw the female bluebird in our backyard again.  Yay!  We had seen the male bluebird flitting about here and there, but not the female for a bit.

This evening, I was sitting on my front porch steps and I saw the male bluebird fly up to the front yard birdhouse.  I was thrilled!!  They're back!  Maybe there will be a new nest and new eggs and new babies!!

I wondered why I was so excited about some silly birds.  Here's why.  Because they didn't give up.  Because they weren't beaten by that awful house sparrow.  Because it reminds me that God redeems situations that I can't see a way out of.  Because it reminds me that God isn't finished with me, no matter what mess I've gotten myself into.  Because it reminds me that God sticks with it....sticks with ME.

"being confident of this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."  -Philippians 1:6

"Be strong and courageous.  Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you."  -Deuteronomy 31:6

Voices in My Head

I don't know about you, but my brain is ALWAYS on.  Well, except when I'm sleeping....I think.  I had a conversation about this with my oldest son (he's 15).  I asked him what he was thinking about.  "Nothing."  "Nothing?  How is that even possible?  I ALWAYS have something talking in my head!"  He tried to explain how to think of nothing:  "just think of black...just black...and then that's nothing."

Nope....

Here's my reply:  "Do you mean black like someone colored it black or black meaning an absence of light?  And if it's been colored black, is it crayons?  Pencils?  Markers?  Paint?  Oil or watercolor?  Maybe it's black fabric blocking out the light?  Velvet?  Taffeta?  Jersey?"

He rolled his eyes.  "MOM!  Stop!  Fine...just think...blue."

"What color blue?  Robin's egg?  Sky?  Aqua?"

I think he jumped out of the car at that point....I don't know, as I was still considering all the different "blue" options I had.  I'm telling you, my brain is always going - even when I want silence.  Most of the time, it's a song playing in there.  When I try to pray, there's a song.  When I'm sitting quietly, there's a song.  When I try to read my bible, there's a song.  When I watch the birds, there's a song.  I have always thought that I needed that "noise" to shut up so I could think.

Turns out I was wrong.

Over the last couple of weeks, that internal song/voice just stopped.  I don't know what happened, but it wasn't there.  I wasn't hearing, "in the middle of the storm, I'll be holding on, I am...holding on to you...." or "how great is our God, sing with me how great is our God."  And I will tell you those were the worst two weeks I think I've ever had.  I've gone through some pretty dark times in my life, but since I've become a Christian, I have NEVER doubted the way I did the past two weeks.

Saturday, the songs came back.  I don't know where they went and I don't know why, but I am not going to complain about them again.  I think they are my shield of faith.  I can't hear all the mean things the enemy is shooting at me because I have a song (based on verses) singing in my head.  I can see how Saul was soothed by David singing psalms with his harp.  I bet he was hearing the enemy and David sang truth.

1 Samuel 16:23 - Whenever the spirit from God came upon Saul, David would take his harp and play.  Then relief would come to Saul; he would feel better, and the evil spirit would leave him.

Where we should not be

2 Samuel 11:1  - In the spring, at the time when kings go off to war, David....remained in Jerusalem.

I have heard this verse preached several times in church, always talking about how David was where he should not have been, and as a result, he sinned with Bathsheba.  This point was brought home yesterday as I watched a beautiful Sandhill Crane in our neighbors' yard.  

We had just finished dinner, and I was cleaning up in the kitchen, when I heard some yelling from the dining room.  At first I ignored it, since I figured it was sibling squabbles (and hubby was in there), but then I heard, "Mom!  MOM!!"  I ran in, expecting something bad to have happened, but I was told there was a "rare crane" in the neighbors' yard.  I, of course, thought "crane" as in "machine" and wondered how it could be rare, then looked out the window to see what everyone else was seeing.

Wow!  That was cool!  A crane...not a heron...not an egret!  I grabbed my camera and ran outside to see how close I could get.  Pretty close!  The thing was NOT afraid of me at all.  We did some investigating and discovered it was a Sandhill Crane...and he (she?) was lost.  As you can see by the map, there is no reason for it to be here.  My thought is that it was blown off course in some of the recent  storms, but that is sheer conjecture.

As I was watching this amazing creature, I started to feel a bit sorry for it.  Yes, I know it's just a bird and that God has gifted it with amazing abilities to cope in challenging situations, but it struck me that it was lost and not where he should be.  Because of his situation, he was without the protection that a group of cranes provides as he hunted for food, looked for a roosting place for the night, or tried to keep watch for predators.  He was without the opportunity for a mate.  Because he was not where he should be, there was probably going to be some sort of trouble - or at least, a much higher likelihood of trouble.  There was a rocking thunderstorm last night.  I am hopeful he was able to withstand the storm.

That's me.  I try to stay away from PLACES I should not be, but controlling my thoughts and emotions from going where they should not be, well, that's often a more difficult challenge.  And when the storm comes, those thoughts and emotions are exposed, without the protection of accountability, without the safety of being under God's wing.

I am thankful for the opportunity to see such an amazing bird, and I am thankful that God reminds me, ever so gently, of my human frailty and His awesome power.

Invited?

I continue to battle with the sparrows in the yard.  I think we've gotten rid of them in the back, but just yesterday we discovered that they had built a complete nest in the front bird house!  They had not yet laid any eggs, but I'm sure they were very close.

As I was crabbing to myself about these stinkin' sparrows, I realized that these sparrows had not just "popped up" on their own; they had been invited.  Someone, with no foresight, had invited these house sparrows where they didn't belong and where they weren't wanted, under the mistaken thought that it couldn't hurt.  Here's another interesting thought - house sparrows are ONLY found near humans.

Seems to me that's very similar to sin.  Sin was invited into a perfect world, where it didn't belong and where it wasn't wanted, under the mistaken thought that it couldn't hurt - and it centers around humans.  Now, we fight a continual battle with sin.  Sometimes it's big and obvious and stubborn.  Sometimes it seems to be gone, but "pops up" when you least expect it.  Either way, it's never truly gone, it just waits to be invited back.

Persistence

Last week I told you about the house sparrows in our yard and how gleeful I was that we had gotten rid of three of them.  The count is now up to seven.  We had pulled down the traps and were ready to give them to my dad for him to use on his bluebird houses when I spotted another house sparrow.  Back into the houses the traps went....and two more sparrows were taken care of.  We pulled them down again....and in another day or two, another couple of sparrows.

I think these sparrows can be compared with sin.  I think I have a handle on a certain sin, I think I've taken my thoughts captive, I think I've allowed the Holy Spirit to work in my life, and all of a sudden, it pops back up and I have to do all that work again.

Maybe I'm trying to do too much work on my own?  Maybe I'm not allowing God to really and truly work in my life?  Maybe it's just because I'm a sinner living in a fallen world and I won't be perfect this side of heaven.

I am annoyed that it always catches me by surprise.  My son remarked this morning, when I was exasperated about the sparrows, "what do you expect?  For them to just leave?"  Yes, I do.  And yes, I guess I expect my sin to be extirpated after one try.

It's a good thing my God is the God of grace, because I certainly need it.

In the Dark

We have three bluebird houses in our yard, but every year we have at most one pair nesting.  Why, you ask?  Not because we don't have bluebirds (we have at least a dozen in our neighborhood), but because we've had house sparrows.  Awful, ugly, mean, hateful house sparrows.

If you don't know, house sparrows are NOT native to the United States.  Some idiot brought them over here from England, WHY, I don't know.

They destroy bluebird nests, eggs, and even bluebirds.  Show no pity.  

I have tried scaring them away, shooting them with a BB gun, and destroying their nests and eggs.  None of these methods work.  They've chased away chickadees, swallows, and bluebirds.  Finally this year, I had enough.  

These VanErt traps are totally worth the money.  They trap a bird in the birdhouse and then we determine what to do with the bird, depending on what bird is caught.  We set them up and not five minutes later, we caught a sparrow.  By the end of the day, three sparrows had been "dispatched".  Unfortunately, we also caught a chickadee and a bluebird.  Those were released with no ill effects.  Everything that I've read says that they may still even come and nest in our yard.

Anyway, I have spent considerable time thinking about this, because I hate the idea of killing creatures - even if it's for a good cause.  I was especially concerned about having caught the chickadee and bluebird.  As I pondered (and maybe even fretted a bit!), I realized that even though the birds were caught in the dark, it was for a really good cause.

Of course, that led me to consider periods of darkness in my life.  I hate them.  I wish I didn't have to go through them.  But I hope that I can look at them in the future as necessary.  The birds in my yard could have been chased away, injured, or destroyed by the sparrows.  The moments of dark, while they may have seemed long, were needed to protect them from the evil they didn't even know existed.

"When my glory passes by, I will put you in a cleft in the rock and cover you with my hand until I have passed by.  Then I will remove my hand and you will see my back, but my face must not be seen." -Exodus 33:22

God's glory passes by me, but I am hidden in the dark by His hand so that I may live.  God fights for me, but I may not see it.  In the dark is not necessarily a bad place to be.

Be anxious for nothing...

Today I was reading an email from John Rosemond, a child-development expert.  At least, I think that's how he describes himself.  I could be wrong.  He's written several books I really like:  To Spank or Not to Spank, Because I Said So, and some others I can't remember right now.  He gives the kind of advice that our parents would appreciate.  Things like, don't make a big deal our of things that aren't a big deal (parents nowadays make EVERYTHING a big deal), and don't try to have a discussion with a four-year-old when it comes to obedience - she needs to do it "because I said so."  Ever so simple.

Anyway, his email today was talking about a kid that was doing something weird (but not THAT weird), and the parents freaked and the problem got worse (go figure).  I always see it as a control thing.  The kid figures out that you're upset, they like the control, so they keep doing it.  Watch your kid change his behavior when you stop making a big deal about it.

He said a really profound thing when writing about how the problem got worse when the parents had anxiety and it got better when they simply said, "when you act like this, 'the doctor' says it's because you don't get enough sleep, so you must go to bed immediately after dinner".  "The doctor" is completely fictional, but it lends authority to the parents' words.

The next day, the odd behavior stopped.  Rosemond said, "when children develop problems, they need parents who are authoritative, not anxious. Anxiety and authority are incompatible."

Profound, no?  When I allow God's authority in my life, anxiety is incompatible with it.  When I allow anxiety to rule my life, God's authority is not there.

Just something to ponder.

A Neat Garden

Today was (hopefully) the last hot day of the year.  I spent some time this morning cleaning up the garden - pulling weeds, yanking out tomato plants, and taking down supports.  I get so frustrated with my garden during the growing season - it's always a mess!  As I dug into the dirt, it occurred to me that my garden is only "neat" between the end of one season and the beginning of the next....when there's nothing growing.  When my garden is disheveled and disorderly, my garden is producing the most fruit (or veggies or herbs).

I started thinking that maybe I work too hard to keep my life neat and looking good, but that when I do, maybe I'm not producing any fruit.  Maybe the "messiest" times in my life - when I can't see where I'm supposed to be going, when I wonder what God is doing my life, when things aren't going my way - are the times that I'm growing and maturing fruit.

How much is TOO much??

I'm so sick of everyone being so impressed with "all I do".  I'm tired of being told I "do too much".  Everyone assumes that I don't rest and that I need a break.  What if "too much" is exactly what I'm supposed to be doing?  What if I'm not too tired because what I do and what I'm good at are aligning and I LIKE it?

In His Presence

As you all know, my animals follow me out to the garden when I go out there.  My dog is NOT allowed into the garden gate, however, as she does not know to stay out of the beds and the plants.  Abi (the dog) is my shadow.  It is so very annoying - she follows me (seriously) everywhere.

So, as I putter in the garden, my dog waits outside the fence.  She waits patiently, never going anywhere she can't see me.  It's very important to her that she be able to see me.

I was thinking again (still?!) how annoying she is when I realized that maybe she's just acting the way I should be acting.  Shouldn't I be always in sight of God?  Just to BE in His presence?  I don't talk to Abi every moment, but I do check in every once in a while to be sure she hasn't wandered.  Maybe God doesn't speak every moment (although He probably does and I'm not listening), but speaks to give me guidance as to where to be - right near Him.

Holding On

The days get better, the hurt is less sharp, but it's never really gone.  The anger comes over me when I least expect it and I want to lash out, retaliate.  I want to hide under the covers and never come out.  When someone says, "how are you?" I want ask, "how do you THINK I am?"  People say it'll be okay.  Well, it's not and it's not going to be for quite awhile.

How do I get through?  I don't know.  I'm doing a lot of things out of sheer obedience.  I know I can't go hide, I know that walking away from church isn't the right thing, and I know that God is holding on to me...

...so I'm holding on to Him.

"As for God, His way is perfect.  The word of the Lord is flawless.  He is a shield for those who take refuge in Him.  For who is God besides the Lord?  And who is the Rock except our God?"   -Psalm 18:30-31

Baby birds

It's finally warm enough to really get the garden going.  I went out this morning to do a little weeding, deal with the potatoes, transplant the tomato plants, and do some watering.  The pets like to come with me - the cats sniff around to see if any rodents have intruded, and the dog wanders the yard, looking for rabbit droppings (yes, it's gross, but that's what she's doing).

Today, the cats got really interested in something at the same time.  I wasn't paying much attention, but as they crept towards each other from opposite sides of the garden, I saw what they were watching.  A young robin was fluttering on the ground.  I'm not sure if it could fly or not, as it was right up against the fence.  I walked over to pick it up and get it out of the garden, because my cats are killers!

As I picked up the robin, it started to squawk...and then the parents started.  They squawked, they swooped, they were MIGHTY upset.  I gently tossed the bird out of the garden and it fluttered under a tree. The parents didn't give up immediately - they let me know what they thought of me picking up their baby.

As I chuckled at them and told them I was SAVING their baby from certain destruction, it occurred to me that I act like those robin parents.  My kids go through trials and troubles - sometimes due to their own choices, other times because of what others have done - and I squawk and I rant and I rail against God for allowing such a thing to happen.

Maybe, just maybe, God is rescuing my children from certain destruction, and the "trials" and "troubles" that my kids go through are just part of the rescuing process.  A process that can seem hard and mean and devastating, but that is infinitely better than what they were headed for - certain destruction.

"'For I know the plans I have for you,' says the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.'"   Jeremiah 29:11

"For the thief comes only to steal, kill, and destroy..."    John 10:10